All responses are perfect, of course.
Different people experience a yoni massage according to where they’re up to in their journey of sexual discovery; for some, it’s a very relaxed, meditative experience, and the joy is in being able to trust and relax while you're being touched so intimately. For others, it’s an interesting almost academic learning experience about what you like and how you like to be touched, and where exactly. And for others, it’s an ecstatic and orgasmic heightened state.
All responses are perfect, of course.
I honestly have felt such a difference since I saw you, it really has opened up something as I just feel so much more relaxed and liberated! So I am so glad I experienced it and you made me feel so comfortable. Its made such a difference with my ex as we reconcile and just made me so much more confident. I want to let it all sink in for a bit. Have really thought about some of your words with body confidence also and just made such a difference to sink into the experiences and get out of your 'head'. Thanks so much Chris."
My response to someone that booked a session, then cancelled, on account of feeling generally nervous, and worried about how they would perform and cope with the session. (Edited only so that it makes more sense – and obviously, from the language, you can see that we’d anyway been having some nice, robust conversations).
Ha ha, thanks for your honesty.
And thanks for articulating your concerns. I’m not completely surprised – when we spoke, I sensed a kind of a reservation, or hesitation, or something being not entirely present, but I couldn’t work out what it was. (Plus, I was in a bit of a rush, so didn’t pause to respectfully enquire – sorry about that).
I’m feeling really, really bold, and this is not something I’d normally say / have ever said, but: I think you should proceed, regardless. J
Here’s why, and what I think you’ll like about me: I don’t give a rat’s arse about whether something looks sexy, or normal, or even “happiness and smiles”, in the moment. I like hanging out with people at their edge, because that’s where all the juicy information and self-development fodder is. Sure, sometimes that looks difficult, or flat, or teary, or crazy, or awkward, or bumbling… But that’s the point of the exercise. Sex is very rarely smooth, straight-forward, or… anything, really.
You’re right, an exchange with me (or another similar person) would be fake. But I wouldn’t say it like that – I’d say it’s an opportunity to cautiously and safely explore things in an environment that’s carefully and tightly defined and bounded. By virtue of the fact that it’s not going to spiral off into weird territory (like so many other intimate exchanges do), you’d be surprised at how real it becomes.
I don’t front up pretending to be anything other than what I am. I used to feel like I needed to play a particular role, but quickly realised that’s not where I’m at. For me, it’s the honesty of the exchange that makes it sustainable. I get paid specifically not to be plastic (and also to make sure that things are focussed around you, at the pace that’s right for you).
So there you go. There’s my bold Monday morning thoughts.
Follow your feedback around it. If it’s really not right for you, that’s fine with me, and you have my support. But if you’re just at an edge, and need a loving nudge, then perhaps you’ll want to pursue the scheduling conversation.
Either way, all the best, Chris.
[Later: The session went well – we had a calm, measured exploration of kink, and the client said they’d like to go further next time].
I decided to see Chris after 20 years of largely ignoring my sexuality. This had been the simplest way of dealing with my many issues including general difficulties being touched by others, a fear of men as possible threats, fear of abandonment, body image issues, and a firm self-belief that no-one would find me attractive. Under all of this I knew I enjoyed sex and I missed that feeling.
I read Chris’s website for the first time about 2 1/2 months before I eventually saw him for the first time. During this period I kept returning to the website and fluctuating between what I thought I should do. Both Chris’s own words and the comments from other women who had seen him seemed to indicate that he was kind and accepting of whatever someone’s issues were.
Chris has one of the most beautiful minds and spirits that I’ve had the privilege of meeting. He has been extremely kind, always listening to what I want or need, and extremely patient with my limitations and my thoughts no matter how illogical. With his gentle support and encouragement, I’ve become very comfortable with both giving and receiving touch. I now see my body in a totally different way and I can celebrate the pleasure it gives to both me and others. I’ve been able to explore my interest in a variety of areas including tantra, power exchange, and bdsm. This exploration is always at my own pace and within the limits we’ve discussed beforehand. The feeling of absolute safety this has given me has allowed me to go further and further into previously forbidden territory.
On multiple occasions throughout my explorations, there have been times when I have been overwhelmed by emotions from my past. Chris has provided the physical and emotional reassurance and safety I needed at the time to cope with what I was feeling. He’s helped me to process these feelings and emotions by truly listening to my experiences while reminding me that he’s there to keep me safe. I can’t recommend his services highly enough. If you’re reading this and see-sawing between contacting him or not, ring and talk to him, then make up your mind.
I was intrigued about working with Chris, although I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to achieve or experience.
Part of me simply craved something different, to take the kind of risks with myself that I'm not used to taking. I'd realised that even though I had always told myself that men only hurt women and can't be trusted, I was maddeningly curious about them all the same. What amazed me about Chris, is his ability to -so subtly and gently- challenge so many of the ingrained assumptions I had about men, and myself, and intimacy, sexuality, gender, pleasure, wisdom, communication, compassion, basic human-ness. As much as Chris' sessions have a focus on sex, they are about so much more than this. My thinking has evolved on a lot of -thoroughly unexpected- issues, and continues to evolve. I've been left profoundly unsettled and unravelled. I like it.
Janet broke up from her marriage six months ago. She told me it had been a sexless experience for many years before that, and that she wanted to get comfortable in her body, in her pleasure.
We agreed to use a sensual massage as a basic framework to hang a whole bunch of touch experiences on. A few days later, before our appointment, I enjoyed packing a few surprises in my kit-bag, and headed off.
She was nervous. It had been so, so long since she'd played with touch, she couldn't imagine how she could ever get back to a point of relaxed pleasure with it. Especially not with a stranger she'd just met.
I asked if she'd be happy to trust me with the process a little, and she very much agreed.
So I took us through some breathing, some stretching, and some eye-gazing, just to bring us into the moment with each other.
That worked a charm - it was a relief for me too, to get into my body a little more - and so I progressed us to a variation on my Undressing Ritual (where, in short, I undressed her with a bit of ceremony). She loved how slowly and sensuously her clothing came off her, and it was freeing and liberating to stand naked in front of me; she said as much.
From there, I took her through something that was sort of partly a massage, but mostly just me following my intuition and her feedback around a range of touch sensations. I explored, I frolicked, I tickled, I teased... I found parts of her that desperately wanted to be touched, and other parts that were happy to be left alone.
It was all loads of fun. Not just fun, but funny. And daggy. We were both just a couple of dags, hanging out, playing with touch and pleasure... And it put us both in our happy spot. I was enjoying answering her questions as things went along.
But eventually we discovered the kissing. It's not everyone's cup of tea - not everyone likes kissing in the first place, and two people might be great kissers but have a completely incompatible style - but on this particular occasion, it was the bomb.
I started by gently brushing my lips against her arms, then her chest, eventually nibbling her nipples. (And like so many people, after some warm-up, her interest in some firmer biting was pretty strong).
And then the lips. Softly and cautiously at first, then passionate and wet and all over the everywhere once we found our groove. Tongues. Teeth. Lips. Chins. At times gently, at times angrily, at times in submission to our respective pleasure.
After a while we paused, checked in, and moved into an intimate massage. That was plenty fun and educational, but not surprisingly it was a kiss we finished on.
I loved the educational element of the session. She hadn't had a lot of time being around men, and so had lots of questions. I really liked using myself as a bit of a show-and-tell, and describing what sex and relationships are like for me (noting that I'm not exactly a regular dude, so I was careful to just speak for my own experiences, and not the whole brotherhood).
She was surprised to learn that I could have multiple full-body orgasms - actually, truth be told, she flat out didn't believe me. So, my final act was to teach her how to touch my spine just so, then turn me into the hopeless come-slut that I am. I came for her for about a minute, then smiled "So there you go. You're not the only one in this room that can have multiple orgasms."
We laughed and I left.
Some delightful feedback from someone that saw me recently. She's been in a wonderful relationship for around ten years, except it hasn't involved much sex for the last nine. She was hoping to have something re-ignited, something seen and embraced, something explored... It was a rather delicious exchange.
Thank you so much for emailing me to see how I am after our meeting. I would just like to thank you for the wonderful experience you gave to me and for been so respectful throughout the whole session. I hope you don't stop providing these services to women as I am pretty sure I am not the only to feel this way after a session with you. I only have positive thoughts and feelings about our meeting. You have definitely made me curious and want to explore a few things we tried on Friday which I hadn't done before. I will definitely be making another booking with you in the near future if that is of course ok with you!
Ruby* came to see me for some sexual adventure and "new experiences". She was no more specific than that, and nor did she have any suggestions as to how she wanted to go about things; she wanted to leave it to me.
I sussed her out a little around her motivations; sometimes, when people defer all of their decision-making to me, it's because at some stage in their sexual history they were taught that that was the norm; if I don't work on that (by getting them more involved in designing their own session), then I run the risk of repeating the abuse.
However, chatting with Ruby, I couldn't spot any warning signals - her request was as simple as it sounded.
I mapped a path in my head, a series of ever-deepening sex games. Always with the caveat that we could drop the plan at any moment.
When I felt like we had chatted for as long as we needed to, I rose, arranged the room a little, and offered her my hand. She stood up, and I asked her to lie on her back on the floor. She did so without reservation, and I could see that she was entirely comfortable being in the session.
I asked her if I could kiss her, to which she smiled and said yes.
I took forever and a day, first gazing into her eyes, then lightly stroking her face and hair. With my fingers I explored her neck and shoulders, all the while moving my lips closer and closer to hers.
When I was at the point of contact, I could see she was preparing her lips, getting ready to become active. I instructed her not to respond in any way.
From there, I teased and teased, brushing her lips with a finger, then my lips, then my tongue. Her breathing had dropped to a deep, soulful rhythm and the anticipation was strong for us both.
Eventually I engaged her mouth more fully, licking her teeth and tongue, and pressing my lips into hers. There was one moment where she started to kiss me back, but I corrected her behaviour, which made her smile.
I continued to kiss, now running a finger ever so slowly and lightly down from her neck, between her breasts, past her belly, to her mound. Again her breathing deepened and she started to moan, so I finished the stroke and put my hand gently but fully over her pussy, and then stayed dead still, with our mouths locked together but not moving, and my hand on her so intimately. We both breathed together, passionately and deeply, feeling the arousal rise and rise.
After what seemed like the right amount of time, I softened my touch on her pussy and then removed my hand altogether. A little later, I started to draw my lips away from hers, in a way that gave her plenty of notice that the kiss was coming to an end.
She continued to lie there and we looked into each others' eyes for what felt like a long time.
We sat up, cross legged, facing each other, and chatted about the kissing experience we'd just had. In short, all was good, and she very much enjoyed the experience and the slowness (noting that the kiss alone had take about fifteen minutes).
I asked about what she'd like next, and something in what she said got me to thinking about the process of seeking permission before touching, and that she wanted to get better at negotiating touch.
Perfect: The One Minute Game.
I explained the rules, then led her into the first round. Sitting as we were, I got her to take a few deep breaths, and stretch her body a little. Once done, I asked her to scan her body from toe to crown, and simply notice what parts of her body were vying for attention. Then, I got her to ask that body part what kind of attention it wanted, and put it to me as a question.
Her first request was to have her arms touched, ever so lightly, from shoulder to finger. This I did, and after what was probably a couple of minutes, brought it to a close.
Now it was my turn. When I scanned my body, I wanted a deep pummeling between my shoulder blades.
She followed with soft, light touch on her neck. Somewhere here it started to become very relaxed, but very arousing.
When it was my turn again, I asked for soft, light touch on my chest and belly, with my shirt off. She did this straddling my hips, so we were somewhat grinding into each other, while she was discovering the joy of my nipples - I really am blessed with incredibly sensitive, delicious nipples!
The game continued for several more rounds, until it felt like we were at a natural pause. We checked in about how the session was going, and she spoke about how much she liked the experience of being able to follow her body, ask for what she wanted, and then stay with that through the negotiation process if required. Also, she liked that when she was the giver, she knew exactly what she was doing and that it was being received well, since that's what I'd just asked for. She wasn't new to the idea of conscious, negotiated sexual practice like this, but we were definitely taking it to new levels for her.
I took us into a conversation about what might be fun, next. We had a relatively quick round of "Introduce a Body Part" (essentially, you choose a body part, describe everything you know about it, good experiences and bad, and then teach the other person how to honour that body part properly and fully), still with most of our clothes on. The discussion then wound up on the topic of erotic performance - showing our sacred dance to each other.
I've done a little of that work, but it's still very edgy territory, to stand in front of someone and show the your movement. It's easy enough to do it in a 'plastic' way, where you just imitate bad porn, but very confronting to really tune into your authentic movement and show it to another. And Ruby had done even less of it than me.
So we conspired for a while, slipping off our edge several times, but eventually worked out how we could take baby steps towards making it happen.
We started by choosing some songs. For the first dance, we posititioned ourselves with our backs to each other so that we were only dancing for ourselves, and allowed ourselves to find our groove. We debriefed this baby step, and both had an interesting experience flipping between the idea of dancing for an observer, versus dancing just for ourselves.
Our next baby step was to try dancing simultaneously for one another (rather than with one dancer, and one observer). Ruby thought this would be less confronting, so we gave it a shot.
This was a lot of fun. We were surprised at how free we felt, and how there was a positive feedback loop - one person's yumminess would inspire the other's, and so on.
Still with our clothes on, we definitely got our sexy out for each other to Madonna's "Om Shanti".
As that drew to a close, we debriefed again, and I suggested it was time for the undressing ritual. Ruby was challenged by the idea, but loving everything we'd been doing for its level of integrity and negotiated consent, so after I explained what was involved, she was clear that she wanted to proceed.
There are lots of ways of doing an undressing ritual, but we went with one of the more full-on ones: We stood before each other, taking it in turns to take an item of clothing off, and taking off some unwanted aspect of our history each time; "As I take off these socks, I take off shame around the times I've wanted sex", and so forth.
Finally, we stood naked in front of each other, free as birds, grinning from ear to ear.
From that point we went with some less structured time; we moved to the bedroom, and just loosely took it in turns of giving and receiving whatever we were in the mood for. I had an absolutely delicious moment where I was lying on my back, and she was just intuitively exploring all of my front, with a finger tip or two - not for me, not to intentionally make me aroused, but of course in the process making me incredibly aroused.
Our last exchange was me giving her a yoni massage, finishing with me playing with her g-spot as she masturbated her clit. She didn't come (at least, not in the normal sense of the word), and said she didn't want to, but was in an extremely heightened state for about ten minutes - complete with inability to make sentences, wild body spasms, and waves of delicious crazy making their way up her spine.
After four hours of utterly delicious play, with really easy and thorough negotiation and consent, we were both high as kites and could hardly walk.
I did everything I could to focus enough to debrief the experience, and that's when she spoke about what a revolution it was to discuss and agree on everything before it happened. We had a great conversation about the importance of bringing our minds along with us in our sexual activities, and how proper consent and discussion are the foundation stones for a wild sexual freedom.
*Not her real name.
People see me for a wide variety of reasons; pleasure for the sake of pleasure, some light relief, or something more like sex therapy. For the latter, my aim is to allow the known and the unknown to become more related to each other.
People have a dual process going on. Their adventurous and wild side - let's call it the 'unknown' - is why they've made the booking; they want to experience something new, get pushed on a sexual edge, have a bit of an adventure, or something like that.
The other part of them is the more regular, daily, 'known' self; this is what stopped them making the booking ten years ago! With this part comes all of our culture's shame and misinformation around all things sexual, as well as our own personal body image issues, lack of confidence, abuse history, and whatever else is in the mix.
My aim as a therapist is to not side with either the known or the unknown, but to strike some kind of balance - or at least, to get permission off one to work with the other.
There is an understandable pressure in a paid session to have things be dramatic, passionate, and wild. This appeals to the unknown part of ourselves.
However, if this is all that's addressed, then there will be a backlash from the known self - generally after the session, or the next day. It will take the form of "I'm so embarrassed by what I've done", or "I can't believe I just did that", or something like it. It's precisely the sort of reaction we're familiar with from getting drunk and doing things we wouldn't normally do, since alcohol sides very strongly with our sense of adventure at the expense of day-to-day responsibilities. We've all been there, right?
At the same time, to only pay attention to the 'known' identity would probably make for a non-event of a session, and no expansion of experience. It is the very monotony and familiarity of the everyday world that we're trying to move beyond.
So what's the solution? For me, I try to make sure that both the known and the unknown parts of a person get a chance to speak at the start of the session while we're working out what to do with our time.
Sometimes this is really straight forward, and I can talk about it in exactly the same language I'm using here. At other times, people aren't able to speak so freely for their two parts, so I've got to glean my information from the mixed communication signals that come across - the person that says "Yes, I'd like to have a go at squirting" but does so in a very flat, suppressed tone of voice. Or the person that says that an undressing ritual would be too confronting, meanwhile, they're absent-mindedly exposing their crotch.
And of course, I'm human, so I don't always strike the balance perfectly. That's why I like to check in fairly often during a session, and see how we're going. If a session that started out well starts to feel like it's going dead, it may point to the need to check in with a person's everyday / known self.
I think good sex has a lot to do with this play between our known and unknown selves, and bringing them both along for the ride - that way, the experiences are grounded and are more like to 'stick'. It's great to explore new things, but not at such a rapid pace that our ordinary identities can't keep up. Similarly, forever siding with what we already know just leads to depression.
Originally published by Chris Even - www.chriseven.net.
What you're about to read was not a paid session, but something I organised for a friend because I love this stuff.
My friend Emma* dropped in for coffee. She was as excited as all getup, because she was about to have her tattoo finished. By 'tattoo', I mean a glorious artwork covering most of her torso and hips, taking half a dozen sittings and thousands of dollars to complete.
I got to asking Emma about what it meant to her, and we gradually unfolded a story about body image, sexuality, and the way that being tattooed can be a conscious reclaiming of one's self. When she finished explaining it to me, I said that we must have an unveiling ceremony - it just seemed like the logical and right thing to do. So over the course of the following week, we conspired via email about how we would do this; we clarified our intentions and boundaries, and I sought informed consent off the other people that would be involved (without giving away too much of the plot, or committing Emma and I to more than we might be in the mood for on the day). Essentially, I was setting up a ritual to put a punctuation mark at the end of her tattoo experience, and help her to really own the reclamation.
On the Saturday that we had arranged for the unveiling, the four friends (that I'd chosen very carefully for their ability to hold space and be sex-positive) turned up, plus Emma. We ate dinner, and I gave us about an hour to settle in and relax.
At what felt like the right time, I sought the group's permission to progress the evening into the unveiling. Everyone enthusiastically agreed.
We began with me interviewing Emma about her tattoos, and why she got them done. She spoke about her very up and down relationship to her body and sexuality, and how the act of making her body into artwork was of crucial importance. I then asked her what her motivations were for doing an unveiling ceremony, and she spoke about the need to be able to occupy her body, in front of others, in a sexual way. About the need to be objectified in a way that was under her control. I got her to again clarify what her boundaries were, and what (if any) feedback she wanted from the group.
After a few questions from our friends, we rearranged the room to suit our purposes. I had gotten Emma to choose three songs that she would want to move to, which I readied on the stereo.
For the first song, I sat on a chair, and Emma danced only for me, with the others as observers. She had said she wanted to start softly and settle into the process with me (who she knows and trusts) before contemplating the others (who she knew less well).
Her dance was hot; still fully clothed, she moved and swayed, and toyed with me a bit. I slipped very quickly into a slightly altered state, purely from the joy of being able to watch and enjoy with permission. It's an incredible luxury.
At the end of the song, I asked Emma if she'd like to continue, and she said she would.
For the second track, she moved her attention to the group (which I'd now joined on the couches). She performed for each of us in turn, compelling us with her stare, demanding our attention with her movement. As she moved from one of us to the next, she removed (or had us remove) an item of clothing. The unveiling began.
I was loving watching the show, but also watching for signs that she was slipping off her edge or becoming uncomfortable. I tried to find ways of helping her to come back when that happened, for instance, by saying something to draw her attention back to her own sacred movement... or just a well timed compliment.
At the end of the second track, we were all becoming overtaken with our admiration of her, her movement, and her incredible body-art. She stood before us in underwear, with most of her incredible tattoo on display.
I asked if she wanted to continue, and she said she did.
The third track was graphic. She took her bra and underwear off, and did an amazing job of drawing on traditional sexual dance moves with her own authentic movement. The four of us were gobsmacked as she showed herself to us, tatts and all.
The highlight was when she lit a candle, and used it to direct our gaze to specific parts of her art. Back at the beginning, when we were talking, she had described the various characters and settings that were depicted in her tattoos, and now she showed them to us. The candle light on her skin was just delicious, and highly effective at lighting up just the right area, as we watched in silence.
Finally, at the end of the song, she stayed still and gave us the candle, allowing us to consume her with our eyes. And consume her we did, poring over every image, every natural and adorned feature of her body.
The miracle of this was that we're talking about someone who's actually extremely shy, and nervous about nudity. We've been in group play settings before, and whereas everyone else has been naked, it's been right for her to stay in underwear. I absolutely respect that kind of decision, and I only mention it to highlight just how adventurous Emma was being with her unveiling. I am reminded again that when scenes are set up carefully and consciously, otherwise unimaginable things become possible.
We acknowledged the closure of the ritual, and then the night progressed. Essentially, Emma wound up playing the role of Dominatrix to all of us, commanding us into all sorts of delightfully compromised positions as dictated by her whims. We were very willing subjects following her delicious seduction.
At the end of the night, she stayed over after the others left. The next day, over coffee, we picked over everything that had happened the night before, teasing out the therapeutic value of it, and marveling over just how far she went with it. She was glowing with excitement, but she also noted that due to the nature of the group setting, she had on occasion slipped into trying to perform for us, rather than staying true to her own journey and sense of movement.
I asked if, right now and with just the two of us, she'd like to have another go at it. She smiled and said she did, so we set the space up again and chose some more music.
This time, in the bright light of day, I found her dance and movement to be more intense. Both of us were freer to slip even more deeply into our roles, the exhibitionist and the voyeur.
As I watched her dance and undress for me, in such a slow and sacred and sexual way, I was absolutely transfixed. Being able to indulge in someone's movement and sexuality is an incredible privilege, when they're able to share it like this.
In the following weeks, we've checked in a couple of times about how she's been going. She spoke about a big increase in her confidence, and sense of proprietry of her own body.
I just got a text from her: "I totally used my new found inner stripper on Friday night at [nightclub]. My friend said my dancing has gone to a whole new level".
Tell me about it.
*Not her real name.
Male sex worker, sex therapist, sex surrogate in Melbourne, Australia.